I can’t believe it’s been two years. I will never forget the look on your face when I told you I was walking away from the relationship. I remember that day like it was yesterday. The memory of the pain and fear in your eyes used to haunt me. I never imagined myself walking away. I used to tell God that I couldn’t envision my life without you. You were a part of me. We knew each other since we were kids. We watched each other grow. We were there for each other in some of our darkest times. But yet and still, there I was, doing the very thing I said I would never do…walk away.
Going through this breakup was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. It wasn’t just breaking up from a boyfriend, but it was breaking up from 12 years of friendship. It was breaking up from the person I trusted and loved. It was breaking up from all the hopes and dreams I had envisioned for our future. It was walking away from someone I never thought I would have to. The pain I felt was very real, even suffocating at times. There were days where I cried just wanting some relief, but that relief never came. Many days I felt as if the heartache was absolutely unbearable and completely debilitating. The hole in my heart felt like it could never be patched, repaired, or healed. For weeks…for months…I felt this way.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
However, there was one thing that I was determined to do. And that was to feel EVERY BIT of the pain. Why? Because I knew the only way that I would be able to fully heal, is if I fully felt the pain. I didn’t want to numb the pain by jumping into another relationship. I didn’t want to numb the pain by pretending I was over it. I wasn’t over it, but I wanted to TRULY heal from it. And that is exactly what God has allowed me to do…TO HEAL. You see, I thank you and I thank God.
The depth of hurt from this experience allowed me to experience a GREATER DEPTH of God’s healing.
I write this two years later and I can say I do not regret one thing. The joy, the laughter, the tears, the pain… it all served its purpose. How can I regret being blessed to love you? How can I regret being hurt by you? How can I regret my mistakes? How can I regret your mistakes? How can I regret being blessed with an opportunity to forgive you? God has allowed every experience I had with you to further cultivate my relationship with Him, as well as aid in the growth of myself.
This journey has helped me to discover me and to further discover the God who has always healed me.
There were times I thought I could never stop crying over you. But God showed me that He is a God that can wipe away every tear and dry every eye. There were times I thought I could never stop being angry at you. Bitterness and anger plagued me for many days. But God showed me that He can create a new heart and a new spirit within me. There were times I thought I would never be able to forgive you because the pain was too great. But God showed me that forgiveness is not the absence of pain, but the ability to love someone in spite of the pain they may have caused. There were times I thought I would never be able to trust and love again. But God showed me that trust in Him and loving Him is the gateway to me loving and trusting others.
I have learned that we all have the right to evolve from bitter to better. We all have the freedom to evolve from resentment to forgiveness. We all have the opportunity to evolve from hate to love. We all have the blessing to learn from the hurt and to FULLY HEAL.
At that time, I didn’t fully know why, but deep within there was a part of me that knew parting ways was best for both of us. Our season together had run its course. As bad as we both wanted to carry one another into future seasons, God knew it was finished. That was a hard pill to swallow. I tried to fight that reality as long as I could, but eventually I had to come to terms with it.
I learned a valuable lesson. In order for me to have peace in my present and peace in my future, I must be willing to make peace with my past.
When I think of you now, my heart if full of gratitude and thanksgiving. One of the greatest hurts of my life, has now served as one of my greatest opportunities of growth and healing. I hope nothing but the best for you. Sometimes when people break up, we allow the pain of our hurt to erase all the good someone did. Just because we experienced some difficult moments together doesn’t make you a bad person or me a bad person. You did SO much good in my life, and even the bad, God has divinely allowed those things to work out for my good. So, THANK YOU! Thank you for all of who you are. Thank you for sharing your time and heart with me for the many years that you did. Thank you for loving me to the best of your ability. I’m a better me, a better woman, and a better Christian because of it. May God continue to bless you and may all that happens in your life further cultivate your growth in God.
The Healed Me
P.S. I’m still one of your biggest cheerleaders. I root for you in my prayers.